ROAD REPORT
WED DEC 23, 1998
DALLAS, TX

TEN BODIES DISCOVERED HALF-BURIED NEAR AMARILLO!

The bodies of ten vintage 1960's Cadillacs were found, by the ROAD REPORT, buried nose down in a deserted field off an isolated stretch of Interstate 40 just west of Amarillo, Texas!

This so-called "art exhibit" was created by radical liberals in the early 70's along what was then known as Route 66 [America's Main Street!] and features the vehicles buried strikingly in a neat row at an identical angle to that of the Pyramid of Chiops -- Clearly a sick ancient heathen tribute to pagan Liberal gods!

Representatives of the Ungodly Exhibit refused comment to the ROAD REPORT despite repeated calls. We kept calling out, "Please comment on this Ungodly Exhibit!" but nobody answered.

X X X X X

MESA ROAD COLLAPSES INTO CANYON BELOW!

Due to inclement weather in the South, ROAD REPORT decided to push on to Dallas today instead of taking one more planned stop over. None the less, we took a detour from our several days sojourn on the Nation's bloated Interstate system through a stretch of "scenic highway" extending South from Amarillo down to Silverton, TX.

Initially we were disappointed by the no-more-scenic-than-usual drive that brought us past the standard Texas Ranches stretching farther than the eye can see, until suddenly -- out of nowhere - the road dipped down from what we then learned was a mesa and into what is known as the Palo Duro Canyon!

The splendiferous scenery in the canyon provided eye-candy not found in most of the Panhandle and was a welcome break from the long stretches of nothingness witnessed from Tucumcari, NM to Amarillo, TX.

It also provided us with the second burst of energy we would need to make it all the way into Dallas that evening, braving slick frozen roads and idiotic drivers who clearly felt, despite a few icy patches on bridges and overpasses, that they were in the throes of the worst winter storm of the century and that they needed to proceed at a crawling 20 mph on the interstate!

Only in Texas, kids...only in Texas!

X X X X X

SOURCE: "PRINCE OF EGYPT - NOT AS GOOD AS BOOK!"

Early word from a trusted ROAD REPORT Hollywood insider who caught an early showing of the new anim-epic, "P.O.E.", reports that it's not nearly as good as the book!

Other disappointments in the first Disney-style feature length animation from Dreamworks include a song performed by two unfunny Locust characters [voiced by Whoopie Goldberg and Ricardo Montalbon] during an early plague. The song is called "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet!" and includes the lyrics:

Boils on the cows again and again!
You think this plague is bad?
Just wait for number ten!

The one moving moment in the film occurs during a cameo appearance by Elton John as Bernie, the Lovable Burning Bush. His loving rendition [with new words!] of the always moving "Candle in the Wind" left not a dry eye in the house!

ROAD REPORT prefers to wait, however, for this springs much anticipated Claymation release of "ADAM AND EVE - LOVE AT FIRST BITE!".

Only in Eden, kids....only in Eden.

X X X X X

SEND A LETTER TO THE EDITORS!
______________________________________
Reports are changed suddenly if truth contradicts us
(c)ROAD REPORT 1998
Not for reproduction without permission of the authors