ROAD REPORT
TUE DEC 22, 1998
SANTA ROSA, NM

MASSIVE GOVERNMENT SPENDING UNCOVERED IN SOUTHWEST!

This morning amidst still plummeting temperatures ROAD REPORT personally toured several enormous and startling examples of Big Government programs out of control! Using a specially purchased "Golden Eagle" card, we were able to gain entrance to an area near Holbrook, AZ -- on the central-eastern side of the state -- called the Petrified Forest National Park!

This massive area, [over 60,000 acres snatched up in a Government Land-Grab] contains little else but trees and a couple of gift shops! And most shocking of all - every tree in the "forest" has been dead for millions of years! Just lying there completely useless and in huge unmovable pieces of stone on the desert floor!

As if that's not bad enough, Big Brother furthered quenched his insatiable appetite for the People's Land with the acquisition and appendage of another 33,000 acres nearby called simply "The Painted Desert"!! This area is even more barren and couldn't possibly be used for production of important national products, like Starbucks and Banana Republic stores! It is, however, very pink in some places and several other colors in other places!

Despite being subsidized by the American Tax Payer, ROAD REPORT was given strict instructions by several Government Employees to "Take nothing but photographs, and leave nothing but footprints"! Some great investment!

Watch for a related upcoming report -- sure to turn stomachs! News from our ongoing investigation of another outrageous example of Government Spending that has so far spanned 3 states! Insiders refer to it only as "Interstate 40"!

Wham! Developing...

X X X X X

EVEN CRAPPY RESTAURANTS SERVE KILLER FOOD IN NEW MEXICO!

Stop anywhere -- ROAD REPORT dares you! -- in New Mexico and just try to get a lousy meal! Just try it!

"Can't be done!" says our crack team of investigators, who have been trying all day! "It may look like a greasy spoon, lying on it's death bed since the demise of Historic Route 66, but they'll have the best damn green chile sauce on god's green earth!"

Demise of Route 66? See you in Hell, Baby!

X X X X X

GREEN HOUSE EFFECT? OUR FAT WHITE ASSES!

Our inside source the "Big D Weather Bunny" [and you know who you are!] tells us temperatures keep plummetting - even in the Deep South. "Bunny" tells us reliably that it was 24 farenheit in Dallas this morning! That's brisk, baby! We only wonder how you Far Northerners are fairing up! Zow-wee!!

See you in Dallas, Bunny! Keep them cards and letters coming!

X X X X X

SEND A LETTER TO THE EDITORS!
______________________________________
Reports are changed suddenly if truth contradicts us
(c)ROAD REPORT 1998
Not for reproduction without permission of the authors