BRAD & DESI // ROAD REPORT

The Hoboken TRUMPET-DISPATCH is prepared to report late this week that DNA matching has conclusively proved that Matt Drudge is a prairie dog!

The information on shock internews/scandal-monger/gossip-gal Matt Drudge is sure to bust the net wide open when this hot, hot, hot story pops later this week!

The match was made with DNA samples taken off of Drudge's "desk" after a "friend close to Drudge", who worked with the TRUMPET-DISPATCH on the story, witnessed Matt coughing up a hairball near his computer keyboard!

The test has a statistical accuracy rate of %99.9 - plus or minus an error margin of %98.9!

[In a related story, there have so far been no takers for Pornocrat Larry Flynt's offer of 1 million dollars to anybody who can claim to have had an intimate affair of any type with Drudge. That would include kissing or even holding hands. Apparently Drudge has the luck of a ten foot pole. Flynt claims the phones have fallen silent.]

Drudge, currently unavailable for comment, is now believed to be hiding out deep within his Lubbock, TX, vacation hole!

ROAD REPORT has, however, attained this exclusive [** MUST CREDIT ROAD REPORT - DAMMIT!!! **] grainy photograph purporting to be of the illusive, and publicity shy "journalist"! It was taken in an area of Lubbock, known to locals and the AAA Travel Guide, simply as "Prairie Dog Town"!

MYSTERIOUS DEATHS: ROCK STAR, FREEDOM FIGHTER SLAIN!!; LOCALS, JUSTICE DEPT. DUMMY UP!!

ROAD REPORT followed a virtual Trail of Tears today from Texas to New Mexico that covered two tragic deaths. One as recently as this century!

The first sad site was the memorial to Buddy Holly, who, in 1959 was killed "Ron Brown Style" on his way to work!

BuddyHol.JPG (3531 bytes)
Desi on the Holly beat!

Few locals in Holly's hometown of Lubbock, would comment on the mysterious death. The only comment we were able to receive locally was from a waitress at the nearby Pancake House. She would identify herself only as "Patti".

When asked for comment, she would say only "...No, you don't [really want to ask about]...that [in this town]...or...[you're risking your life]...eggs with that?"

The story turned bloodier still near Fort Sumner, NM, at the gravesite of William Bonney, who was gunned down in cold blood by Sheriff Pat Garrett, a "law enforcement official" in 1861.

After 21 unproven murders, Garrett [a would-be ATF man?], deprived Bonney of his god-given American rights of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness with a few well placed shots to the torso and head. The boys at Ruby Ridge have nothing on this Garrett character!

Bonney, known as "Billy the Kid" by his political enemies, was given neither the benefit of a trial, nor the humane courtesy of a legalized execution by a firing squad!!!

Neither Janet Reno, nor any Justice Department spokesmen have had comment on either of these killings in the past week!

We continue our Northwestward trek for one more day or so before arriving at our next major destination! Be the first to guess where it is before our next dispatch and you win a prize!

The following riddle, should SPELL it out for you! But if not, see our initial announcement of the contest for perhaps another clue or two!

Lower than heaven, and colder than hell; It's uplifting at times, and descending as well. Many have waited there endlessly; But maybe we'll fly through it breathlessly. Only time and a good Catholic priest can tell!

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